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Expensive car: A lady walks into a Lexus dealership.
She browses around, then spots the perfect car and walks over to inspect it. As she bends to feel the fine leather upholstery,
a loud fart escapes her. Very embarrassed,
she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident
and hopes a sales person doesn't pop up right now. As she turns back, there standing next to her is a salesman.
"Good
day, Madame. How may we help you today?"
Very uncomfortably she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?"
He answers, "Madame, I'm very sorry to say that if you farted just touching it, you are going to shit when you hear the
price."
Todays Blessing:
May the fleas of a thousand camels infest the crotch of the person who screws up your day and may
their arms be too short to scratch.
AMEN
The Light Balb:
Two factory workers were talking.
"I think I'll take some time off from work," said the man.
"How
do you think you'll do that?" said the blonde.
He proceeded to show her...by climbing up to the rafters,
and hanging
upside down.
The boss walked in, saw the worker hanging from the ceiling,
and asked him what on earth he was doing?
"I'm a light bulb" answered the guy.
"I think you need some time off," said the boss.
So, the man jumped down
and
walked out of the factory.
The blonde began walking out, too.
The boss asked her where did she think she was going?
The blonde answered, "Home, I can't work in the dark."
Screw or Swim:
Dave walks into a bar and sees John sitting at the end of the
bar counter with a great big smile on his face.
Dave says, "John, what are you so happy for?"
"Well Dave, I gotta tell ya ... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxin' my boat, and a redhead
came up to me ... boobies out to here, Dave. Boobies out to here!
She says, 'Can I have a ride in your boat?'
I said 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.'
So I took her way out, Dave. I turned off the key and I said 'It's either screw or swim!' She couldn't
swim, Dave. She couldn't swim!"
The next day Dave walks into a bar and sees John sitting at the end of the bar counter with a bigger
smile on his face.
Dave says, "What are you happy about today John?"
"Well Dave ... I gotta tell ya ... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxin' my boat and a
BEAUTIFUL blonde came up to me...boobies out to here, Dave. Boobies out to here!
She said 'Can I have a ride in your boat?'
I told her 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.'
So I took her way out, Dave. Way out much further than
the last one. I turned off the key and I said, 'It's either
screw or swim!'
She couldn't swim!" Dave! She couldn't swim!"
A couple days pass and Dave walks into a bar and sees John down there crying' over a beer.
Dave says, "John, what are you so sad for?"
"Well Dave, I gotta tell ya ... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxin'my boat, and the most
desirable brunette came up to me ... boobies WAY out to here, Dave. Boobies WAY out to here!
She says, 'Can I have a ride in your boat?' So I said,'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.'
So I took her way out, Dave, way WAY out ... much further than the last two. I turned off the key,
and looked at her boobies and said
'It's either screw or swim!'
She pulled down her pants and ... She had a dick,Dave!
She had this great BIG fucking dick! ........ and I can't swim Dave!
I can't fucking swim, man!!!!!!"
Grandpa And Grandma:
Grandma and Grandpa were watching a
healing service on TV. The evangelist called to all who wanted to be healed to go to their TV set, place one hand on the TV and the other hand on the body part where they wanted
to be healed. Grandma got up and slowly hobbled to the TV, placed her right hand on the set
and her left hand on her arthritic shoulder that was causing her to have great pain. Then Grandpa
got up, went to the TV, placed his right hand on the set and his left hand on his crotch. Grandma scowled at him and said, "I guess you just don't get it. The purpose of doing
this is to heal the sick, not to raise the dead."
Nursing Home:
Three men were discussing aging at the nursing home.
'Sixty is the worst age to be,' said the
60-year-old. You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!'
'Ah,
that's nothin',' said the 70-year-old. 'When you're seventy, you can't even crap anymore. You take laxatives, eat bran, you
sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!'
'Actually,' said the 80-year-old, 'Eighty is the worst age of all.'
'Do
you have trouble peeing too?' asked the 60-year-old. 'No, not really.
I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse
on a flat rock, no problem at all.'
'Do you have trouble crapping?'
'No, I crap every morning at 6:30.'
'With great
exasperation, the 60-year-old said, 'Let me get this straight.
You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at
6:30. So what's so tough about being 80?'
'I don't wake up until 7:00.'
Elephant Vs Camel:
An elephant asks a camel " Why are your breasts on ur back?
"well" the camel replies "that is indeed a strange question coming from someone whose dick
is on their face"
The Pharmacist:
A lady walks into a drug store and tells the pharmacist she needs some cyanide.
The
pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?' The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband.
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, 'Lord have mercy, I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against
the law! I'll lose my license, they'll throw both of us in jail and all kinds of bad things will happen! Absolutely
not, you can NOT have any cyanide!"
Then the lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in
bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "You didn't tell me
you had a prescription."
Untitled:
A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up behind
him and whacked him on the head with a magazine.
"What was that for?" he asked.
"That was for the piece of paper in
your pants pocket with the name Laura Lou written on it," she replied.
"Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Laura
Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on," he explained.
"Oh honey, I'm sorry," she said. "I should have known
there was a good explanation.
Three days later he was watching a ballgame on TV when she walked up and hit him in the
head again, this time with the iron skillet, which knocked him out cold.
When he came to, he asked, "What was that for?"
She replied, "Your horse called."
Le Steak:
A man and his wife are seated in a fancy French restaurant for dinner.
After
the waiter arrives the man says: "I'll have your biggest, thickest Porterhouse steak." The waiter replies: "Monsieur.....what
about ze mad cow?"
The man replies: "She'll have a salad."
Letter to God:
A little boy wanted $100 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened. Then he decided to
write God a letter requesting the $100. When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to God, Canada Post decided
to send it to the Prime Minister. Paul Martin was so amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5 bill.
Martin thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy. The little boy was delighted with the $5 bill and sat
down to write a thank-you note to God, which read: "Dear God: Thank you very much for sending the money, however,
I noticed that for some reason you sent it through Ottawa, and those assholes deducted $95 in taxes."
Marriage:
**********Marriage - Part I **********
Typical macho man married typical
good-looking lady and after the
wedding, he laid down the following rules: "I'll be home when I want, if
I want and
at what time I want and I don't expect any hassle from you. I
expect a great dinner to be on table unless I tell you that
I won't be
home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when
I want with my old buddies and
don't you give me a hard time about it.
Those are my rules. Any comments?"
His new bride said, "No, that's fine
with me. Just understand that there
will be sex here at seven o'clock every night ........ whether you're
here or
not."
************************************
Marriage (Part II)
Husband
and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding
anniversary!
The husband yells, "When you die, I'm
getting you a headstone that
reads: "Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever "
"Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm
getting you a headstone that
reads: "Here Lies My Husband Stiff At Last"
***************************************
Marriage (Part III)
Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast
table.
Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed
either," and storms out of the house.
After sometime,
he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and
rings her up. She comes to the phone after many rings, and the
irritated
husband says, "what took you so long to answer the phone?"
She says, "I was in bed."
"In bed
this early, doing what?"
"Getting a second opinion!"
******************************************
Marriage (Part IV)
A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so
proud
of himself, that he starts calling his wife, "Mother of Six" in
spite of her objections.
One night, they go to
a party. The man decides that it's time to go home
and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts
at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home 'Mother of Six?'
His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion,
shouts right
back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four."
**************************************
Marriage (Part V)
*The Silent Treatment*
A man and his wife were having some problems
at home and were giving
each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the
next day, he would need
his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early
morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the
silence
(and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at
5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it.
The
next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and
he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to
go and see why his
wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, "It is 5:00
AM. Wake up."
Blonde Cops:
There are 2 women getting
ready to leave for work. The brunette gets in the driver's seat and the blonde gets in the passenger's seat.
The brunette
says: "We're late, so you watch out the back window for cops." As she speeds down the road she asks the blonde: "So, do you
see any cops?"
The blonde replies: "Yes!"
The brunette says: "Are they behind us?"
"Yes!"
"Are they close?"
"Yes!"
"Are
they going to stop us?"
"I don't know!"
"Well, are their lights on?"
The blonde replies: "Yes, no, yes, no, yes,
no...!
A Fellow Blonde:
A
Blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom.
She went
to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him: "I've kidnapped you."
She then wrote a note saying:
"I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on
the north side of the playground. Signed, A Blonde."
The Blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home
to show it to his parents. The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan
tree. The Blonde opened the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said: "How could you do this to a fellow Blonde?"
Ugly Bus:
A bus carrying
only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck and everyone inside dies. When they get to meet their maker, because of the
grief they have experienced, He decides to grant them one wish each before they enter Heaven.
They're all lined up, and
God asks the first one what their wish is.
"I want to be gorgeous." So God snaps His fingers, and it is done.
The
second one in line hears this and says,"I want to be gorgeous too."
Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted.
This goes on for a while with each one asking to be gorgeous but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in the
line starts laughing.
When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor, laughing his head off.
Finally,
God reaches this last guy and asks him what his wish will be. The guy eventually calms down and says:
"Make 'em
all ugly again."
Gay Family:
A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman "Give me six double vodkas."
The barman says "Wow! you must
have had one hell of a day." "Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay."
The next day the same guy came into the
bar and asked for the same drinks.
When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back, "Ive
just found out that my younger brother is gay too!"
On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six
double
vodkas.
The bartender said "OH MAN! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"
"Yeah, my wife..."
Model
Wife:
The
husband had just finished reading the book, MAN OF THE HOUSE.
He stormed into the kitchen and walked directly up
to his wife.
Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of
this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal,
I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you're going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And when
I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"
His wife replied........ "The f--king
funeral director."
In
Hot Water Without The Water:
((((RING))))
(((RING)))
**Pick Up**
"Hello?"
"Hi honey, this is Daddy, Is Mommy near
the phone?"
"No Daddy, She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank."
After a brief pause, Daddy
says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Frank."
"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy,
right now"
Brief Pause...
"Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone
down on the
table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door, and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the
driveway."
"Okay Daddy, just a minute."
A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to
the phone.
"I did it Daddy."
"And what happened honey?" he asked.
"Well,
Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her
head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"
"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Frank?"
"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming
pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think
he's dead"
***Long Pause***
***Longer Pause***
Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool??? .....Is this
555-7039??"
The Great Canadian
Newfie: A Newfie, a little man, was sitting at a bar in Toronto when this huge, burly American guy walks
in. As he passes the Newfie, he hits him on the neck knocking him to the floor. The big, burly Yank says,
"That's a karate chop from Korea."
Well, the Newfie gets back on his barstool and resumes drinking his beer. The burly American then gets up to
go to the bathroom and, as he walks by the Newfie, he hits him on the other side of the neck and knocks him to the floor.
"That's a judo chop from Japan", he
says.
The Newfie decides he's had enough and leaves. A half hour later he comes back and sees the burly American bastard sitting
at the bar. He walks up behind him and smacks him on the head, knocking him out.
The Newfie says to the bartender,
"When he wakes up, eh, tell him that was a fuckin' crowbar from Canadian Tire."
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